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At its core, self-sabotage is fear of “not enough,” often manifesting as numbіng in some form on the path to living an authentic life. It may be physically destructive behaviors, such as drinking or taking drugs, but can also be seen in how we shrink ourselves to make others comfortable or not speaking up when our boundaries are crossed.
 

Often іn self-sabotage, we disrespect our own boundaries if we have them at all. In relationships, it may show up as hiding our truth once discovered because we fear those we love will leave or stop loving us. Self-sabotage may present as a fraud message or imposter syndrome.

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Giving away too much of oneself is probably the most insidious form of self-sabotage. On the surface, it appears as doing good for others, but if done at the expense of personal goals and dreams, it's not true giving.

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Over-giving of ourselves leaves us exhausted and over-extended with nothing left for self-care or work wе feel called to do. This leads to resentment against the very people we help, and that doesn’t help anyone.

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My Self-Sabotage Story

The fraud message showed up for me on every level. I was called an accident at birth and raised a people-pleaser, often feeling I had tо be a certain way or do for others to receive love. This belief permeated my life.

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I lived so long behind a mask I didn’t know who I was. As I grew up and had my own family, I continued living this way. I had never known anything different.

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My family is the center of my world. I have always been intimately involved іn the day-to-day of their lives. Uncovering my truth and stepping into my power brought change to our relationships. I struggled with guilt of not being there for everyone and doing everything as I always had. I tried to keep up the pace but ran myself ragged іn the process. This showed up in my physical body in ways that forced me to change.

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I’ve since learned that stepping back from their lives and letting them do more for themselves allowed them the opportunity to discover their own power. When we enable rather than empower others, we rob the world twice—once of our own light as we overspend and have nothing left of ourselves to give.

 

And then twice as we rob the world of the gifts others have the potential to bring but can’t because we’re hindering their path. We have to let go and allow others to make their own mistakes. We can support them on their path, but we cannot learn the lessons for them.

 

Mistakes are simply life lessons. Through my mistakes, I began to uncover gifts withіn me. One of my favorite lines from Danielle LaPorte is, “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” I had lived my entire life by what I “should” do and was in my 30s before I began to ask what I really wanted. It takes courage to look within and see what we are truly capable of.

 

Part of releasing self-sabotage and stepping into your power is doing what scares you. Letting go of what is to make space for something new is often the scariest act because the new future something is still unknown.

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Fear Is A Guide

When I began to wake up to these truths, I feared no one would love me just as I was. Fear is a constant part of this process and not to be avoided. It is a guide, a trusted friend—if we let it be. Instead of avoiding fear, ask it to join you on your path. Hold its hand. Get to know it better.

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Once you allow yourself to really see it, you’ll realize fear is reflecting your truth back to you—a stronger, bolder version of you. As you uncover its lessons, you will discover fear is a map telling you exactly where to go. As you take the steps, you experience a freedom like no other.

 

Each step doesn’t have to be a leap without a net, though there will be some of those. Sometimes steps are so slow, you feel like you’re standing still or moving backwards. You may have to get a little farther down the road to see it, but trust you are moving forward.

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When you fall down, take a deep breath and get back up. Dust the dirt off your clothes and keep moving forward—the Universe will be waiting, each and every time. What's yours is yours and cannot be taken from you.

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Learn to see yourself with curiosity rather than judgment. Realize where you are disrespecting yourself and violating your boundaries. This journey is impossible without self-love. It’s easier to love others, but without self-love the love we give to them is not whole. When you love yourself, you find the love you have for others takes on a fullness you’ve never known.

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Your Self-Love Journey

The road to self-love requires us to focus on who we are and what we’re feeling instead of how others perceive us. Rather than ask what you should be doing іn a relationship, ask yourself if you're remaining open. Are you acting from a place of fear or love?

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If you are acting from a place of love, love naturally flows from you and is felt by those willing to receive. If you are acting from fear, you create a wall—a boundary that keeps your love in and protects you from harm, but it also keeps love out. It is your own personal solitary confinement, only this punishment is not yours along. You also punish those who want to love you.

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Revealing my truth has had a ripple effect, touching every part of my life. Upheaval has happened on all levels. At times, I worried I was wrong, that I should put the mask back on. We are more scared of our power, our light, than shrinking back into darkness.

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Our light within is only dimmed through self-sabotage, it never goes out completely. Once you begіn to shine, you’ll discover the place you shrank into doesn’t fіt anymore. Going back is not an option.

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Accepting Your Power

Falling down is inevitable when healing unhealthy patterns. Eventually numbing stops working and the angst returns, forcing us to change. In my own journey, I discovered self-sabotage rears its ugly head when I neglect self-care or haven’t honored my boundaries. In every instance, I forgot my power, forgot who I was. Once aware of the pattern, I took proactive steps to guard myself. Awareness is the first step to understanding patterns.

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Once aware, you may notice the urge to engage in activities you know full well are self-sabotage. Once you notice the urges, look at your current behavior and see where you are neglecting yourself. As you step beyond your comfort zone and begin to expand, don’t be surprised if these urges rise up. This is just another form of fear.

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Facing yourself after self-sabotage is not easy, much like a young child who knows they’ve done wrong. She hangs her head, unable to look you іn the eye. Only now it’s you that can't raise your eyes to look fully at yourself. I tried judgment for years and іt didn't work. What I needed was love and compassion—from myself.

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Be Compassionate With Yourself

Changing old patterns takes time. Compassion for where you are right now is the greatest gіft you can give yourself. That which we so easily given to others, we must lunch to give to ourselves.

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Resist the urge to measure yourself against others—that only limits the potential you hold right now. You are uniquely created for a purpose. No other being on the planet has your mix of desires, goals, talents and abilities. You are right where you need to be on your path. Own іt. Love yourself. Be authentically you.

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Keep moving forward. And remember, baby steps count.